Imposter phenomenon as a first gen scholar

After a lifetime of being made to feel deficient due to Spanish being my first language, where I am today is not where I should be, according to those who perceive me as less than due to my identity. I am a first generation Chicana academic librarian. What I look like and who I am does not ‘align’ with stereotypical preconceived notions of what a librarian is. However, librarianship and information science is intrinsic to my being. It always has been, and it always will be.

As early as kindergarten, I recall being asked to translate in my classroom. I was a bridge between languages. Outside of the classroom, I translated for my family in numerous settings: doctor’s offices, the DMV, the bank and so on. While translating, I was not simply converting Spanish to English and vice versa, I was providing context and cultural nuance. I was navigating systems bilingually -- searching for information, taking in information, processing information and distributing information – simultaneously. What is more relevant to information science than these processes?

To put my lived experiences into context through academia, Dr. Yosso’s Theory of Community Cultural Wealth relates quite well: “...bilingual children who are often called upon to translate for their parents/other adults gain social tools -- vocabulary, audience awareness, cross-cultural awareness, ‘real world’ literacy skills, metalinguistic awareness, teaching and tutoring skills, etc” (Yosso, 2005, p.79). Despite living through these experiences, I did not have the necessary language to describe and identify what I was doing. I did not come across Dr. Yosso’s highly impactful work until I was in community college.

I entered academia via liaison librarianship, and I understand that my lifetime of experiences have prepared me to be more than capable of achieving tenure. However, as someone who already experienced anxiety prior to entering academia as a faculty member, anxiety pervades my mind when I think of the tenure track process. Imposter phenomenon weighs particularly heavily when it comes to my academic writing. I have procrastinated academic writing as much as possible due to trepidation. I am at a point in my tenure track journey where I simply cannot delay any longer, as a review is coming up.

I know I cannot possibly be the only librarian experiencing such feelings around academic writing.

As a student growing up in a predominantly white environment, I was often one of a handful of Latinx students in the classroom in both K-12 and higher education. Looking back on my academic trajectory, I realize I was attempting to navigate learning while simultaneously navigating my bicultural identity of being Mexican American. I navigated these complexities while experiencing feelings of being deficient and feelings around not belonging at school. I’ve encountered racism, classism, and microaggressions since kindergarten, both in and out of the classroom. From peers in my age group through adults in positions of authority.

In college, I became involved in student government. I participated in focus groups involving students and faculty having discourse around equity. It essentially ended up being students of color detailing lived experiences and faculty asking questions and reacting to student experiences. It became incredibly charged and chaotic. Prior to this, I naively believed that for people who obtained a degree, racism ceased to be an issue. I witnessed faculty members I respected and learned from, react problematically. In some cases, I witnessed faculty invalidating my peers’ lived experiences of racism and inequities. It was a life changing experience that struck me to my core and shifted my perspective on the correlation between attainment of a degree and humanity.

As a first generation student of color, I was all too aware of initiatives meant to support the success of students like me. I have benefited from such programs. For instance, I was a member of a first year experience program in community college called, STARS. In my case, I was what they call a ‘nontraditional’ student. While I dislike that terminology because it can be othering, I don’t know what terminology I would use to categorize myself when I entered community college. I had been out of high school for four years before attending community college. STARS created an environment where I felt safe to learn with other students like me. As part of this first year experience cohort, I learned to thrive in an academic environment. There were no assumptions around deficiency. We were all taught not only course material but given a strong foundation of how to holistically navigate the system of higher education. I enjoyed engaging in class because my peers were all similar to me: Latinx, first generation, and striving to navigate and succeed within a system not built for them.

Now, as a first generation scholar of color, I see a strong need to create an environment specifically for first generation faculty to learn to navigate and thrive in systems not built for us. My tenure track process began in summer 2022, and while I have greatly enjoyed it thus far and have certainly felt supported, I can’t help but feel behind. In policies, meetings, emails, and agendas, there will be acronyms, terminology, etc. that I do not understand. While I often make sure to find out what the meanings of things are, sometimes it can get truly overwhelming; I revert back to inaction due to feeling deficient. I don’t always ask other faculty because I fear I may be looked down upon for not knowing things. Furthermore, I truly would love to receive mentorship in how to navigate office/department/campus politics. I’ve made the mistake of addressing questions/concerns to the wrong person, and as a result, there can be an unnerving, almost passive aggressive interaction due to such mistakes.

I find myself reverting back to how I felt in my K-12 trajectory, only this time I do not feel deficient due to Spanish being my first language. Feelings of inadequacy now revolve around this being my first white-collar job and not knowing the rules, or fully understanding the way this environment is supposed to be navigated. Despite all of this, I am determined to succeed in my tenure track process. I focus on acknowledging that I have been through tribulations greater than the tenure-track process, and I have worked extremely hard to get to where I am today, in spite of systemic obstacles stacked against me. Over the course of my academic trajectory, scenarios like being othered, singled out, and put on the spot used to create a lot of shame and feelings of being lesser than, but I refuse to fall prey to deficit thinking again.

I am striving to take up space: in conversations, in meetings, in committees, in librarianship. To me, this requires stepping out of my comfort zone. For instance, I push myself to not revert to the safety I previously found in silence. When I find that I don’t understand something being discussed in a meeting or when I need further clarification on expectations and guidelines, I find my voice (and ignore the inner monologue full of doubt) to state that I am a first generation academic and don’t understand whatever is being discussed. To me, taking up space also looks like seeking out mentors, while keeping in mind a difficult lesson I recently learned the hard way that ‘not all skinfolk are kinfolk.’ I am committed to not shying away from the imposter phenomenon; it needs to be called out and dealt with, not normalized and internalized. I have not come this far to let myself be pushed out; rather, I have come this far to help others. I hope by putting myself out there, I can help ease the transition of others who may come into librarianship with similar experiences.

Reference:

Yosso, T. J. (2005). Whose culture has capital? A critical race theory discussion of community cultural wealth. Race, Ethnicity and Education, 8(1), 69–91. https://doi.org/10.1080/1361332052000341006

Imposter phenomenon as a first gen scholar

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